Item: a book of Alyrian jokes
Item 'a book of Alyrian jokes' is type book, alignment 0, made of leather,
has keywords 'book alyrian jokes'.
This item weighs 0 stones and 12 pebbles, and is valued at 3,135 gp.
This level 25 item has no special attributes.
*This item may be repaired 5 times.
The book is bound in reddish leather with no title on the cover. Inside,
various etchings of unusual and highly unlikely situations, as well as some
that could be considered obscene, fill out the pages between the lines of
text. It appears to be a book of Alyrian jokes. Flipping through a few of
the pages, you read:
A sewer rat mother and her baby are creeping along a drainpipe, when a
brown bat flies past: "Look, mummy! An angel!"
...
A reporter from the Alyrian Chronicle is sent out to investigate an amazing
story. A squab has laid a two pound egg!
"What is the secret to this smashing prize?" asks the reporter from the squab.
"That's a family secret!" replies the flustered bird.
The reporter then asks the squab's husband: "Tell us your secret, please!"
"No, it's strictly confidential," he replies.
"Ok, then what are your plans for the future?" continues the reporter.
"I'm going to kill that Everlasting Phoenix, I swear!"
...
The priests of Dira have been developing their theology for thousands of
years. Having believed it finally perfected, they decide to go through with
the ancient ritual to summon Dira - the Power itself - to Alyria. The complex
summoning is completed, sheep are sacrificed, the altar glows with a
mystical light and Dira appears in a puff of smoke.
"WHO AM I TO YOU?" The Divinity bellows at the priests.
Reciting the lines and dogmas they have bickered over and finally agreed
upon in this presentation:
"You are our light, our eternal radiance come to manifest the truth and
goodness in our lives and the inherent eschatological infinite that is the
wellspring of our joy!"
Dira raises an eyebrow:
"COME AGAIN?!"
...
2 olives are walking down Steadfast Road in Tellerium when a large
Minotaur comes riding by and runs over one of the olives. A compassionate
priestess runs up to the battered fruit and says "are you allright, I saw you
get run over by that large horse?". He replies "olive"
...
Pyrian and his son are cutting down an old tree in the forest that has
become rotten, and needs to be removed. Suddenly, the boy exclaims:
"Farewell, Father!"
"Where do you think you're going, we haven't finished our work?!"
"I'm not going anywhere, but the tree is falling onto you..."
...
A Human, an Elf and an Ogre are all builders working on building a house
in Tellerium. One day when they were eating lunch the Human opens his
lunchbox and finds a roast chicken.
He says "if my wife gives me a roast chicken for lunch one more time,
I'm going to jump from this platform."
The Elf opens his lunchbox and finds a honey cake.
He says "If my wife gives me a honey cake for lunch one more time, I'm
going to jump and join you."
The Ogre opens his lunchbox and finds frosted batwings.
He says "If i get frosed batwings one more time I'm going to join both
of you."
The next day, they sit down to their lunches. The Human opens his
lunchbox to find a roast chicken and he jumps. The Elf opens his
lunchbox to find a honey cake and he jumps, too. The Ogre opens his
lunch to find frosted batwings and he jumps also.
At the funerals the wives come together and talk.
The Humans wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, I thought he
loved roast chicken."
The Elfs wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, I thought he
loved honey cake."
The Ogre's wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, he made his
own lunch."
...
The sun is shining, birds are singing, all is peaceful in New Rigel.
A quiet voice yells, "Excuse me, I'm looking for the Opera House."
A loud voice yells, "You're excused, keep looking!"
...
A young paladin is totally infused with passionate love for his elven
valkyrie girlfriend and decides to go and ask her father for her hand in
marriage. The elderly elf asks him:
"Would you marry my daughter even if she did not have a large dowry?"
"Yes! I would! I love her with all my heart!"
"Then you can't marry her, we have enough idiots in this family!"
...
My halfling friend said that he had dogs that talked in their sleep.
Skeptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a hound fast
asleep. The dog mumbled "I've just written a best seller." Later, he
said, "I've just returned from Vir."
I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you have a talking
dog, you've got to make allowances. I find that it's best to let
sleeping dogs lie."
...
An ogre was wandering the streets of Rune when he suddenly dies.
He sat there dying thinking of all the things that he could have and
should have done.
Breathe.
Long description: A small book bound in reddish leather has been dropped here.
This item can be found in Tower of Aroxa.
has keywords 'book alyrian jokes'.
This item weighs 0 stones and 12 pebbles, and is valued at 3,135 gp.
This level 25 item has no special attributes.
*This item may be repaired 5 times.
The book is bound in reddish leather with no title on the cover. Inside,
various etchings of unusual and highly unlikely situations, as well as some
that could be considered obscene, fill out the pages between the lines of
text. It appears to be a book of Alyrian jokes. Flipping through a few of
the pages, you read:
A sewer rat mother and her baby are creeping along a drainpipe, when a
brown bat flies past: "Look, mummy! An angel!"
...
A reporter from the Alyrian Chronicle is sent out to investigate an amazing
story. A squab has laid a two pound egg!
"What is the secret to this smashing prize?" asks the reporter from the squab.
"That's a family secret!" replies the flustered bird.
The reporter then asks the squab's husband: "Tell us your secret, please!"
"No, it's strictly confidential," he replies.
"Ok, then what are your plans for the future?" continues the reporter.
"I'm going to kill that Everlasting Phoenix, I swear!"
...
The priests of Dira have been developing their theology for thousands of
years. Having believed it finally perfected, they decide to go through with
the ancient ritual to summon Dira - the Power itself - to Alyria. The complex
summoning is completed, sheep are sacrificed, the altar glows with a
mystical light and Dira appears in a puff of smoke.
"WHO AM I TO YOU?" The Divinity bellows at the priests.
Reciting the lines and dogmas they have bickered over and finally agreed
upon in this presentation:
"You are our light, our eternal radiance come to manifest the truth and
goodness in our lives and the inherent eschatological infinite that is the
wellspring of our joy!"
Dira raises an eyebrow:
"COME AGAIN?!"
...
2 olives are walking down Steadfast Road in Tellerium when a large
Minotaur comes riding by and runs over one of the olives. A compassionate
priestess runs up to the battered fruit and says "are you allright, I saw you
get run over by that large horse?". He replies "olive"
...
Pyrian and his son are cutting down an old tree in the forest that has
become rotten, and needs to be removed. Suddenly, the boy exclaims:
"Farewell, Father!"
"Where do you think you're going, we haven't finished our work?!"
"I'm not going anywhere, but the tree is falling onto you..."
...
A Human, an Elf and an Ogre are all builders working on building a house
in Tellerium. One day when they were eating lunch the Human opens his
lunchbox and finds a roast chicken.
He says "if my wife gives me a roast chicken for lunch one more time,
I'm going to jump from this platform."
The Elf opens his lunchbox and finds a honey cake.
He says "If my wife gives me a honey cake for lunch one more time, I'm
going to jump and join you."
The Ogre opens his lunchbox and finds frosted batwings.
He says "If i get frosed batwings one more time I'm going to join both
of you."
The next day, they sit down to their lunches. The Human opens his
lunchbox to find a roast chicken and he jumps. The Elf opens his
lunchbox to find a honey cake and he jumps, too. The Ogre opens his
lunch to find frosted batwings and he jumps also.
At the funerals the wives come together and talk.
The Humans wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, I thought he
loved roast chicken."
The Elfs wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, I thought he
loved honey cake."
The Ogre's wife says, "I don't know why he killed himself, he made his
own lunch."
...
The sun is shining, birds are singing, all is peaceful in New Rigel.
A quiet voice yells, "Excuse me, I'm looking for the Opera House."
A loud voice yells, "You're excused, keep looking!"
...
A young paladin is totally infused with passionate love for his elven
valkyrie girlfriend and decides to go and ask her father for her hand in
marriage. The elderly elf asks him:
"Would you marry my daughter even if she did not have a large dowry?"
"Yes! I would! I love her with all my heart!"
"Then you can't marry her, we have enough idiots in this family!"
...
My halfling friend said that he had dogs that talked in their sleep.
Skeptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a hound fast
asleep. The dog mumbled "I've just written a best seller." Later, he
said, "I've just returned from Vir."
I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said.
"Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you have a talking
dog, you've got to make allowances. I find that it's best to let
sleeping dogs lie."
...
An ogre was wandering the streets of Rune when he suddenly dies.
He sat there dying thinking of all the things that he could have and
should have done.
Breathe.
Long description: A small book bound in reddish leather has been dropped here.
This item can be found in Tower of Aroxa.